dumb news FINAL

BREAKING NEWS—Two people in the neighborhood are getting married, friends of the couple say.

Local man John Smith proposed to his girlfriend, Jane Doe, last week. Witnesses report seeing Smith in a tuxedo and Doe wearing an “elegant black dress.” At press time it is unclear what the ring looks like, but an official press release with photographs is expected soon.

No word has yet been said on what will happen to the Versace dress that Doe was wearing during the proposal. Some experts surmise that it will be preserved for the annals of history, while others believe that a key publicity move for the couple will be to donate the dress to an auction, where it will be sold for a charity that benefits “some cause of the other,” said an expert on publicized weddings. “Maybe world hunger or whatever.”

Media outlets nationwide are already interviewing experts and sources close to the couple to predict the wedding venue, as well as potential guests and performers.

“We want to make sure this wedding show is the experience of a lifetime for those watching at home,” said a wedding planner, who claims to be one of the potential decorators hired for Smith’s wedding. “People really base their life decisions on this crucial broadcast—we can’t let the viewers down.”

News of the proposal comes on the heels of a whirlwind year in which not just one, but two, couples got married—apparently an extremely rare and unforeseen event which occurs a mere 2.3 million couples per year in the United States. Readers will recall that in April, Prince William of Wales wed Kate Middleton in a groundbreaking ceremony celebrated by old women and late-night television viewers worldwide. Viewers across the world were stunned by Middleton’s dress, which, as it turned out, shockingly resembled a wedding dress. Then, in another record-shattering event in August, Kim Kardashian, who is pretty much the American equivalent of a princess, married someone who is also famous for no apparent reason.

Though the latter couple’s marriage lasted a well-scrutinized 72 days, this peak in the unprecedented activity of weddings has become a noticeable trend in popular culture, experts say. They predict that Smith’s wedding will likely be an extremely popular media event, and television networks have already begun bidding for the broadcasting rights.

“People just love watching weddings,” said a television analyst who wished to remain unnamed. “They provide enjoyable distractions from silly world issues such as the Arab Spring—which is the most ridiculous media event ever. Unlike the marriage of two people whom a viewer will never meet, demands for democracy worldwide do not sell well in our market. I mean, who wants to watch that?”

Many magazines and broadcast news programs already anticipate having “countdowns” to the yet-to-be-determined big day. Experts say that the media outlets are seeking to take advantage of this long-term, attention-grabbing news event to draw in more readers and viewers.

“By talking about the upcoming wedding of Smith and Doe on a daily basis,” said a media executive, “we hope to snatch a few more viewers, maybe try to get them to watch some of our less-viewed programs—you know, the ones that talk about foreign affairs and stuff. Those programs obviously don’t report real news, but we have to try to have an even balance of consumers here.”

Smith’s proposal is undoubtedly the bombshell at the end of a busy week in world events. In other recent news, the European Union is in a financial crisis, Egypt held its first democratic elections since the overthrow of Hosni Mubarak, and a national security act is being debated in Congress, whatever that is.

AHAHAHAHAAHAHA I love this

BREAKING NEWS—Two people in the neighborhood are getting married, friends of the couple say.

Local man John Smith proposed to his girlfriend, Jane Doe, last week. Witnesses report seeing Smith in a tuxedo and Doe wearing an “elegant black dress.” At press time it is unclear what the ring looks like, but an official press release with photographs is expected soon.

No word has yet been said on what will happen to the Versace dress that Doe was wearing during the proposal. Some experts surmise that it will be preserved for the annals of history, while others believe that a key publicity move for the couple will be to donate the dress to an auction, where it will be sold for a charity that benefits “some cause or the other,” said an expert on publicized weddings. “Maybe world hunger or whatever.”

Media outlets nationwide are already interviewing experts and sources close to the couple to predict the wedding venue, as well as potential guests and performers.

“We want to make sure this wedding show is the experience of a lifetime for those watching at home,” said a wedding planner, who claims to be one of the potential decorators hired for Smith’s wedding. “People really base their life decisions on this crucial broadcast—we can’t let the viewers down.”

News of the proposal comes on the heels of a whirlwind year in which not just one, but two, couples got married—apparently an extremely rare and unforeseen event which occurs for a mere 2.3 million couples per year in the United States. Readers will recall that in April, Prince William of Wales wed Kate Middleton in a groundbreaking ceremony celebrated by old women and late-night television viewers worldwide. Viewers across the world were stunned by Middleton’s dress, which, as it turned out, shockingly resembled a wedding dress. Then, in another record-shattering event in August, Kim Kardashian, who is pretty much the American equivalent of a princess, married someone who is also famous for no apparent reason.

Though the latter couple’s marriage lasted a well-scrutinized 72 days, this peak in the unprecedented activity of weddings has become a noticeable trend in popular culture, experts say. They predict that Smith’s wedding will likely be an extremely popular media event, and television networks have already begun bidding for the broadcasting rights.

“People just love watching weddings,” said a television analyst who wished to remain unnamed. “They provide enjoyable distractions from silly world issues such as the Arab Spring—which is the most ridiculous media event ever. Unlike the marriage of two people whom a viewer will never meet, demands for democracy worldwide just do not sell well in our market. I mean, who wants to watch that?”

Many magazines and broadcast news programs already anticipate having “countdowns” to the yet-to-be-determined big day. Experts say that the media outlets are seeking to take advantage of this long-term, attention-grabbing news event to draw in more readers and viewers.

“By talking about the upcoming wedding of Smith and Doe on a daily basis,” said a media executive, “we hope to snatch a few more viewers, maybe try to get them to watch some of our less-viewed programs—you know, the ones that talk about foreign affairs and stuff. Those programs obviously don’t report real news, but we have to try to have an even balance of consumers here.”

Smith’s proposal is undoubtedly the bombshell at the end of a busy week in world events. In other recent news, the European Union is in a financial crisis, Egypt held its first democratic elections since the overthrow of Hosni Mubarak, and a national security act is being debated in Congress, whatever that is.

Oh my gosh, this is so hilariously, but sadly true! Great article Jeanne

BREAKING NEWS—Two people in the neighborhood are getting married, friends of the couple say.

Local man John Smith proposed to his girlfriend, Jane Doe, last week. Witnesses report seeing Smith in a tuxedo and Doe wearing an “elegant black dress.” At press time it is unclear what the ring looks like, but an official press release with photographs is expected soon.

No word has yet been said on what will happen to the Versace dress that Doe was wearing during the proposal. Some experts surmise that it will be preserved for the annals of history, while others believe that the couple will donate the dress to an auction, where it will be sold for a charity that benefits “some cause or the other,” said Mary Jane, a wedding planner, who claims to be one of the potential decorators hired for the wedding. “Maybe world hunger or whatever.”

Media outlets nationwide are already interviewing experts and sources close to the couple to predict the wedding venue, as well as potential guests and performers.

“We want to make sure this wedding show is the experience of a lifetime for those watching at home,” said Jane. “People really base their life decisions on this crucial broadcast—we can’t let the viewers down.”

News of the proposal comes after a whirlwind year in which not just one, but two, couples got married—apparently an extremely rare and unforeseen event which occurs for a mere 2.3 million couples per year in the United States. Readers will recall that in April of last year, Prince William of Wales wed Kate Middleton in a groundbreaking ceremony celebrated by old ladies, extreme Anglophiles, and late-night television viewers worldwide. Spectators were stunned by Middleton’s dress, which, as it turned out, shockingly resembled a wedding dress. Then, in another record-shattering event last August, Kim Kardashian, who is pretty much the American equivalent of a princess, married someone who is also famous for no apparent reason.

Though the latter couple’s marriage lasted a well-scrutinized 72 days, this peak in the unprecedented activity of weddings has become a noticeable trend in popular culture, experts say. They predict that Smith’s wedding will likely be an extremely popular media event, and television networks have already begun bidding for the broadcasting rights.

“People just love watching weddings,” said a television analyst who wished to remain unnamed. “They provide enjoyable distractions from silly world issues such as the Arab Spring—which is the most ridiculous media event ever. Unlike the marriage of two people whom a viewer will never meet, demands for democracy worldwide just do not sell well in our market. I mean, who wants to watch that?”

Many magazines and broadcast news programs already anticipate having “countdowns” to the yet-to-be-determined big day. Experts say that the media outlets are seeking to take advantage of this long-term, attention-grabbing news event to draw in more readers and viewers.

“By talking about the upcoming wedding of Smith and Doe on a daily basis,” said a media executive, “we hope to snatch a few more viewers, maybe try to get them to watch some of our less-viewed programs—you know, the ones that talk about foreign affairs and stuff. Those programs obviously don’t report real news, but we have to try to have an even balance of consumers here.”

Smith’s proposal is undoubtedly the bombshell at the end of a busy few months in national and world events. In other recent news, journalists are killed covering protests against the Syrian regime, the European Union is in a financial crisis, and primaries are sweeping across the United States for the 2012 presidential election, whatever that is.

BREAKING NEWS—Two people in the neighborhood are getting married, friends of the couple say.

Local man John Smith proposed to his girlfriend, Jane Doe, last week. Witnesses report seeing Smith in a tuxedo and Doe wearing an “elegant black dress.” At press time it is unclear what the ring looks like, but an official press release with photographs is expected soon.

Media outlets nationwide are already interviewing experts and sources close to the couple to predict the wedding venue, as well as potential guests and performers.

“We want to make sure this show is the experience of a lifetime for those watching at home,” said Mary Jane, a wedding planner who claims to be a potential decorator for the wedding. “People really base their life decisions on this crucial broadcast—we can’t let the viewers down.”

News of the proposal comes after a whirlwind year in which not just one, but two, couples got married—apparently an extremely rare and unforeseen event which occurs for a mere 2.3 million couples per year in the United States. Readers will recall that in April of last year, Prince William of Wales wed Kate Middleton in a groundbreaking ceremony celebrated by old ladies, extreme Anglophiles, and late-night television viewers worldwide. Spectators were stunned by Middleton’s dress, which, as it turned out, shockingly resembled a wedding dress. Then, in another record-shattering event last August, Kim Kardashian, inexplicably a public figure in America, married someone who is also famous for no apparent reason.

Though the latter couple’s marriage lasted a well-scrutinized 72 days, this peak in the unprecedented activity of weddings has become a noticeable trend in popular culture, experts say. Television networks have already begun bidding for the broadcasting rights of Smith's wedding.

“People just love watching weddings,” said a television analyst who wished to remain unnamed. “They provide enjoyable distractions from silly world issues such as the Arab Spring—which was the most ridiculous media event ever. Unlike the marriage of two people whom a viewer will never meet, demands for democracy worldwide just do not sell well in our market. I mean, who wants to watch that?”

Many magazines and broadcast news programs already anticipate having “countdowns” to the yet-to-be-determined big day. Experts say that the media outlets are seeking to take advantage of this long-term, attention-grabbing news event to draw in more readers and viewers.

“By talking about the upcoming wedding of Smith and Doe on a daily basis,” said a media executive, “we hope to snatch a few more viewers, maybe try to get them to watch some of our less-viewed programs—you know, the ones that talk about foreign affairs and stuff. Those programs obviously don’t report real news, but we're trying to get some profit there too.”

Smith’s proposal is undoubtedly the bombshell at the end of a busy few months in national and world events. In other recent news, journalists are killed covering protests against the Syrian regime, the European Union is in a financial crisis, and primaries are sweeping across the United States for the 2012 presidential election, whatever that is.

BREAKING NEWS—Two people in the neighborhood are getting married, friends of the couple say.

Local man John Smith proposed to his girlfriend, Jane Doe, last week. Witnesses report seeing Smith in a tuxedo and Doe wearing an “elegant black dress.” At press time it is unclear what the ring looks like, but an official press release with photographs is expected soon.

Media outlets nationwide are already interviewing experts and sources close to the couple to predict the wedding venue, as well as potential guests and performers.

“We want to make sure this show is the experience of a lifetime for those watching at home,” said Mary Jane, a wedding planner who claims to be a potential decorator for the wedding. “People really base their life decisions on this crucial broadcast—we can’t let the viewers down.”

News of the proposal comes after a whirlwind year in which not just one, but two, couples got married—apparently an extremely rare and unforeseen event which occurs for a mere 2.3 million couples per year in the United States. Readers will recall that in April of last year, Prince William of Wales wed Kate Middleton in a groundbreaking ceremony celebrated by old ladies, extreme Anglophiles, and late-night television viewers worldwide. Spectators were stunned by Middleton’s dress, which, as it turned out, shockingly resembled a wedding dress. Then, in another record-shattering event last August, Kim Kardashian, inexplicably a public figure in America, married someone who is also famous for no apparent reason.

Though the latter couple’s marriage lasted a well-scrutinized 72 days, this peak in the unprecedented activity of weddings has become a noticeable trend in popular culture, experts say. Television networks have already begun bidding for the broadcasting rights of Smith's wedding.

“People just love watching weddings,” said a television analyst who wished to remain unnamed. “They provide enjoyable distractions from silly world issues such as the Arab Spring—which was the most ridiculous media event ever. Unlike the marriage of two people whom a viewer will never meet, demands for democracy worldwide just do not sell well in our market. I mean, who wants to watch that?”

Many magazines and broadcast news programs already anticipate having “countdowns” to the yet-to-be-determined big day.

“By talking about the upcoming wedding of Smith and Doe on a daily basis,” said a media executive, “we hope to snatch a few more viewers, maybe try to get them to watch some of our less-viewed programs—you know, the ones that talk about foreign affairs and stuff.”

Smith’s proposal is undoubtedly the bombshell at the end of a busy few months in national and world events. In other recent news, journalists are killed covering protests in Syria, the European Union is in a financial crisis, and primaries are sweeping across the United States for the 2012 presidential election, whatever that is.